First off, she’s dating a guy that she’s been with for several years. She “doesn’t want to hurt him” so she’s decided not to tell her current boyfriend that she is also boinking my friend. Meanwhile she keeps promising my friend that she’s going to work her way around to breaking up with this guy soon AND has the audacity to chat with him all the time and even while she’s with my friend. She’s has the nerve to tell my friend that he cannot date anyone and even goes as far as to check his email and phone when he’s not looking. How stuck on yourself can you be to be a woman whose fucking two different guys and also be the jealous type. I have repeatedly told my friend to stop hanging out with this woman and tell her to make a decision, him or the current boyfriend and he just won’t do it. He claims to be truly in love with her and he has faith she’ll come around. I just don’t get it. How can he ever trust this woman? She even went as far as to take one his daughters to the mall and pick out her “engagement” ring for my friend to buy. In that same breath she’s hopping from his bed to her boyfriend’s bed and keeping everyone on the hook. She’s a despicable woman and I really wish my friend had more self respect then this.

So being the great friend that I am, I decided that she could stay with me. I figured it would be a good time to feel her out and let my friend know exactly what I thought. Except after the weeks of begging me to do this, she calls me and tells me that she has the flu, isn’t coming to spend the night and I haven’t heard from her since. Forget the cleaning and preparing for someone to stay for a week, I think the whole situation is weird. I think she packed up her shit while my friend is gone and is halfway back to what ever state she crawled out of. I swear I am the only person in a normal relationship sometimes. I get sick of baby sitting everyone else.

A few years ago I made a lasting impression at a pretty large Halloween party by showing off a certain body part accidentally. It was my first time attending this particular party and I created a last minute costume from my wardrobe. I was wearing a black flowing dress with black fish net stockings, knee high boots and black feathered wings. I purchased a silver wand and outfitted it with some cobwebs and spiders and I was set. What was I? I have no idea but I proclaimed myself Stinkerbell and my back story was that I was Tinkerbell’s evil twin sister who got ousted from the fairytale because she got knocked up by Peter Pan. So that’s my back story.

I don’t know how this happened, but I’m going to claim that I was slipped a pill, because apparently on THIS night, I couldn’t hold my liquor. I’ve been known to throw down pretty hard but not on this night because I got shit faced. About the third hour in, it became apparent to me that I was pretty wasted. I was wearing 6 inch black stiletto knee-high boots and I knew a sprained or broken ankle was definitely in my future. So what would you do? Take off your shoes of course.

So down I go, to the floor, to take these pesky boots off which are the real reason I’m stumbling and I basically do a split. Then I raise one boot, almost to my ears and start unzipping them from the top. Suddenly, several people turn around in the party and start laughing and gasping. I have no idea what THEIR problem is so I continue on to the next boot. Suddenly my friend comes over and goes, “Dude, you’re not wearing any underwear under those fishnets…”

OMFG… WHAT? Yep! I totally showed by snatch to the entire party while taking off my “drunk boots.” I can tell you that I doubt they ever forgot that night… well at least they never forgot a certain part.